Feeling so lonely and empty. It really sucks like hell seriously. Ya i'm a guy and i shouldnt be like this, but i'm a human with feelings too. Hate my life, hate myself, hate everything that is happening right now.

Currently i only got the Running Man show to keep me occupied. But slowly i'm finishing all the eps..and what should i do next..

If you found some other guy who is worth your time, treats you better, feels more comfortable with, tell me. I'm prepared to hear u asking me to let go or any worse. Then i can try me best to do it, best friend..

I'll back off so you can live better. Suddenly this song sound so meaningful

Counting down 3 more days to freedom! Don't have to work anymore! :D October got so be careful of my expenses because there wont be anymore income before i enlist. Free the whole month, feel like going on a holiday. Korea? Bangkok? Hongkong? I doubt there's anyone that is willing to go with me too. Found alot of tour vouchers at groupon, very cheap! And these few days there's alot of deals in sg, like Manhattan Giant Platter at half price with the voucher!

I typed a msg wanting to tell you about the manhattan promotion and ask if you wanna go eat tgt. 2 things came to my mind. I remember you said you don't like eating manhattan. Second, you are not around for me to ask anymore. So the msg was deleted in the end, sighs.

In the past i was afraid, afraid to be replaced, afraid that someone would treat you better than i do. Wrong thinking back then. Ya afraid to lose you, but that shouldn't be the way because you don't belong to me in the first place. Oh well, worry too much and maybe too sensitive.. But now i hope there's someone that can really treat u better instead.

We haven't been contacting at all. Saved so many useless drafts in my phone. I'm not sure but, do we really have to be like this? Now the only thing i'm most afraid of is hearing you say that all these doesn't matter to you anymore. Its gonna hurt alot more ..

What a boring weekend. No plans, just nua the whole day at home watching running man. Really very addictive, watching every single ep of it. And makes me wanna go korea even more. One fine day, no matter when is it or who am i going with, even if its alone, i will step into south korea. And no one is stopping me from doing that.

Too upset, too stress up, i made the wrong choice to walk away. No turning back, no use regretting too. It had been a week. I realized i may never get the chance to tell you how impt you are as a friend anymore. And never will i get to know who am i & what i meant to you too. Perhaps i need you more than you need me now. Hate it when i find that you are still the one i would turn to. Need to stop being like this.

What goes around comes back around. I remembered how i fall out with yiling the other time. It was very bad back then, when we couldn't solve our problems. But she really hoped we can be good friends, like before she and wy got tgt. Cruel me, i still chose to walk away. Maybe at the that time she felt really upset and i did nth. Now i can completely understand how bad it can hit someone, knowing how good things can just end with just a snap... Or maybe i just don't deserve to have such good friends like u guys..

Its friday today. Weekend for the next 2 days. Totally no plans at all. I wish to ask you out like before, not having to worry if you are free to come/even want to see me or not. To just chill or even spend time sitting at anywhere and talk about anything. I want to, really.. but i cant. Something is stopping me, or perhaps i'm just timid to do so.

TKH had hardly smile ever since we both went separate ways..

This picture say it all. I hope that the last sentence doesn't apply to you. I don't believe you have forgotten all. At least some that you can recall. Because till now, the memories just came back every now and then. And it hurts when we cant spend time tgt anymore..

I really want to rebuild this friendship. Its okay for us to start from 2 years back. But i dunno if u are willing to.. I got 2 drawings for you, and a pen which was supposed to be given to you for your new school sem. Will you accept it?

Finally a meet up with the clique. Tried out Artease at the esplanade. Quite a nice place, just that the aircon dun seems to be working. I was sweating when i enter the place. Food was ok, but just don't order milktea before you eat because it will kill your appetite.

Took some photos after eating, had a short chat. At first i thought Kelvin and KoonHung wouldn't come. Oh well, still some awkwardness between the 2 guys and girls i guess. Talking about the changes within the past few months. Positive or negative change, not very sure. But one thing is, it cant be controlled. Yet again, i felt that this dinner we met up for the sake of meeting. At least we make the time to come down.

SUO 2011! My 2nd sing opens with ZD.

First day was quite gd. Lost our first game to Prime, maybe havent wake up or what. But won the other 3 teams, chuckies, vudogs and swat7D. So we got into pool B. And the weather is really unpredictable. It was so damn hot in the morning and during lunch time, the storm came. We hide under the tentage and it almost flew off.

Second day, first game against Freakshow white. Keep trading points with them, very intense game. Everyone getting frustrated and shouting. Final score was 9-7 to us. Second game with lagi shiok. Same scene and feeling as the seeding when we play against them. We were down by a few points at first. But managed to pull back the score to 6-6 at point cap and we scored the last universal point. One step closer to the finals.

Semi finals was against a aussie team. A very friendly and good spirited team. We manage to get this game 11-6 and get into the finals. First time with zd we got into finals!

It was a Philippines team. They play like beach ultimate, but with damn gd catches. At first we were up by 3 points. Dunno why suddenly we started to screw up everything; throws, drops.. They caught up and soon after they pull the points away from us. I was at the sideline. I saw our players looking at the ground whenever we conceded a point. Fighting spirit from the past 7 games were gone. Final score was 15-8.

Although we didn't win the finals, at least we reached our target, pool b finals. Winning was a bonus for us. We fought for so long, trained for so many weeks, its all worth it. True enough there are alot of unhappiness, but at the end we are still a team, a family. Like joel said, some of us are leaving for army soon, and next year too. What would ZD become during this period? I believe every player in this club wants it to grow and have greater achievements with the black and white jersey.ZD is like a home for me. A place not only to just play the sport but also being able to train with your gd friends. Its a place where we play for friendship, and everything else is just bonus for us. But lately, i'm facing some problems with my health. Maybe its time i go for a checkup for my body, esp my kidney area. Plus committment to army. And after army i should be going overseas to study. So perhaps suo could be the last competition i playing with ZD. But i have no regrets, just hoping no one else leaves the club and those who had mia, to come back.

Frankly speaking, i saw u at the field. Ya, finally after so long. Oh well, something stopped me from going up to you to even just say a few words. But after the game, when i wanted to find you, u are alr gone. 2nd time, and i find it so hard to have even a 5min of your time. Glad that u still msg to tell me that u had left. And ya, i was trying to chat with you but all the replies i get was just yup, ok, hao de. Its all the same. Do we really have to be like this? The feeling sucks. And i'm still waiting by my phone, hoping for a text from you to chat like before

[Overdue: Supposed to be posted on 17th Sep]

SUO in the morning and afternoon. Maybe shall update about it tmr. Evening had a farewell dinner with my poly classmates. 3 of them leaving singapore for studies for 3-5 years. And i think 2 of them wont be coming back to singapore anymore. Sad. Had been in the same class for 3 years leh..

Went to dempsey hill for dinner. First time there. Quite a nice place to hangout with friends for a dinner. But very ex. We went to House and spend $28 on a dish, $5 for gst. But i got to say the food is really good (Y) And in order to get to get to dempsey hill, its best if can drive in. If not have to walk quite abit distance to reach from the nearest bustop out at the road.

[Overdue: Supposed to be posted on 16th Sep]

It was the zd jersey presentation day. In my mind, i thought it was sort of a formal thing where all players from zd can come for the team dinner then after that captains will present the jersey to the players one by one. I was wrong. Kinda stupid to be there actually. I rushed down from work and reached there at 830, still got people havent reach when the presentation starts at 8. And all i did was arranging the jersey nicely by numbers. Then i call out the names, they come and take. Its like teacher giving out exam papers -.- if thats the case, must as well just give on sat itself. Dun see anything special in it. Sorry if i expect too much and not flexible, but i tot it shouldn't be that way :/

Had been working with derek and sharon about suo stuff. Always finding myself stuck in the middle. I can discuss sharon abt one thing, and derek abt another thing at the same time. And sharon is complaining about his style of settling stuff. About the gifts for foreign teams. If i didnt ask derek still need to buy, he wouldnt tell me not to get it and i will waste my $20 on stupid stuff. About the suo fee. Have to pay for the whole team first. $2100, i'm freaking broke now.

Got so many things to inside me and the first person i think of sharing it with is still you. But i realized, i cant. I used to just tell u randomly without having to think twice. Got this feeling that i'm disturbing you. Correct me if i'm wrong. i wish i can still relate to you freely like before, when i'm facing problems or i feel very stress in my life. But now i can only rant at this blog, and not sure if u are reading it too. Perhaps i'm not trying to tell you how bad my life is. Just wanna update you with the things i do through blogpost since we dont text anymore..

Different

Havent found myself smiling ever since all the things happened.. it was so hard to do so..

Ytd I ot again. Used to have you around to message to. At least I don’t feel lonely and down when I’m all alone in the office. But last night it was different. I looked at my phone, wondering if I would receive anything from you. I wanted to message you, but I can’t. Just another lonely night

[Overdue: Supposed to be posted on 8th Sep]

My 2 buddies, Siu Kiat and Jason. They are my brothers since primary school. We were in same class during pri 5 & 6. Plus we stayed at the same place, same interest in basketball and soccer. I remember we used to collect WWE & pokemon cards too. Secondary school, we were in different classes for sec 1 & 2. But we are still able to meet each other because our classes are just beside each other. Me 1F, Jason 1E, SK 1D. I think that 2 years were our hardworking times. Sec 3 & 4, they got into the top second class and me third class. Things still goes well because we mixed around with the same clique. Everyday after school playing soccer at basketball court.

But things starts to be different after O’s. They got into JC, and I got into poly. Poly, I got hell lot of projects and submission to complete. And I started to spend more with my classmates. A lot of time our meet ups clash with our projects, if not I went to choose to go out with my classmates instead of you guys although u had find time out.

Now u guys are in army and I’m still waiting to enlist. Always wanted to find you guys to hang out but NS always took the time away, and our free time don’t meet at all. I guess its karma. Hahaha. But I kind of regret la, to push the meet ups away. Nevertheless, I’m glad that we are still making the effort to find time. Funny thing is, when I enlist, u guys ORD. 2 years later u all are still in uni, while I might be going overseas for studies. Oh man.. just one step at a time for now. U two are ‘bros for life’ \m/.

Next 2, Jinpei and Kelyne. It all started during sec 4 I guess. A lot of things and drama took place even till now. Our clique, no more I guess? Kelvin and KoonHung had left because of some stuff. I think one thing I feel damn bad when I think back is always not being able to meet u guys despite countless times u 2 asked. Projects, Frisbee.. all the commitments I had made us drift apart. A few times I felt abit awkward seriously. Idk why, perhaps we all had changed in one way or another, plus new commitments we had along our life. One thing that didn’t change is u guys still being so caring for a emo friend here. Hahaha. These few years I faced a lot of problems and its always you 2 who keep encouraging me and be there for me. Seriously I appreciate it a lot, until a point when I felt I’m always troubling u guys with my problems and I feel bad.

Dave & Jianteck, my 2 buddies from Frisbee. Sometimes I asked myself, why did I take up this sports ultimate? It was something unexpected. But I know if I didn’t join, I wouldn’t get to know this 2 fun people. Perhaps they are the people, along with a few other people, that added colours to my poly life. But what makes them special is that when they have something good, they never forget to share it with me. When they are sad, we ask each other for advise and lend each other our listening ears. I think that’s very nice of them and I never have any problems relating my stuff to them too. I feel very comfortable and able to talk freely without worrying if I will be judged. Thank you.

The best friend in my life. Someone whom I can really be myself without worrying being judged when I’m together with her. Someone I can be alone with and have nothing to do and not be able to think of anything to say and be comfortable in silence. Someone whom I would like to share my everything with and also a person that I can put my complete trust on.

I guess I had told you what I need to say already. Perhaps there’s some last few word which I’m still preparing. In life, sometimes we just got to do the right thing.. And that is to leave for the time being. Awkward period for us now. I believe things will become better as time pass. But I know in my heart that I had never wanted to leave. I seriously don’t know why I had been thinking about those times when we were very close friends. Maybe I’m already missing those times or I haven’t let go of the friendship yet. But very sad to say, there is an end to all things no matter how much we want to hold on to them. I'd always thought we'd be friends forever. Oh well, forever just got a lot shorter than I expected.

Maybe we won’t be sharing the joy we had with each other, telling each other the happy stuff we had done or sharing our secrets. Maybe we won’t be talking to each other when we face problems in our life already. We will be busy with our own life. In fact I had already found myself feeling empty ever since I lost someone like you or got no guts to do all those things. Not saying that because of all this we can’t talk or meet..we are still friends. I will still be happy to hear from you once in a while, even if you have problems, I’ll still lend you my listening ear or help you in anything no matter what. And I will still trust you, as a best friend (: I apologize for the past when I had mistaken/misjudge or irritate you. I should have been more understanding. And don’t worry, you aren’t too dependent on me at times. I was just lending you a helping hand whenever you need it

Close friends are truly life's treasures. Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves. With gentle honesty, they are there to guide and support us, to share our laughter and our tears. Their presence reminds us that we are never really alone."
- Vincent van Gogh –

Were we? Ya. Will we? I’m still hoping (:

[Overdue: Supposed to be posted on 8th Sep]

On wed night, I’ve watched ‘Lets Talk’ show. The topic is about friends.

I don’t know what is the first impression I always give to a stranger. The first question in the talk show was “is it difficult to make new friends?”

Given my character, I find it fairly okay to break the wall between myself and a stranger. Often it’s the first impression that tells me whether should I go forward or not. Quite a quiet person, so if that person is friendly, why not? If not its usually through friends.

The host asked, what are the factors when finding friends? I think it comes naturally? Why need to think so much when making a new friend? Unless it’s a good or close friend, then maybe we have to look at the character etc.

The problems for me opening up to new people is because of my own character I guess. I’m a quiet person, and a little introvert since young. Usually I’m afraid to approach someone I don’t really know unless I really need to. Even if I know you, sometimes I don’t talk a lot too. Lol perhaps speaking is one problem for me. That’s why I’m quite a boring person. Hahaha. But if I am very close to you, I can talk to you non-stop even if its random stuff. But over the years I think I had really opened up, thanks to my close friends.

One of the topics they talked about is their experience of being hurt by friend. I don’t really remember any actually, like seriously. Maybe I was just living my life day by day without worries last time. Haha miss those days. But anyway, the guest quoted this: “Make friends with your heart. And make the correct ones. If you want them to be honest & real, start with yourself. This is one of the key point to keep long term friends.” Personally I think I did, to some of my close friends.

Is being alone and not making any friends possible? There is a period of time which I thought it was really alright to be alone. But when I think back, it was kind of sad. I think I must have friends no matter what. With friends, you can have fun together, someone to talk to etc. No friends damn emo sia, and can get depression very easily.

“There is always a few problems you will face when making friends because they are not you”

So what are the few things you look into when having good or close friends? For me, that person just have to be real and truthful. I wouldn’t want to have someone getting close to me because of some motive. And I hate lies (who like it?). No doubt there’s always something which one will never let out to others. But like if everything also hide, what for right? And very impt, we can talk freely about anything.

They had shared some of their true experience of themselves having to lose their good friends. Here I want to share mine too, and words that are left unsaid, all in the next post.